The aftermath of divorce is often a frenzy of activity – some of it related to children, some of it self-imposed medication against the hurt and some of it caused by the rush to a new life. In this guest post, author Abbey Algiers shares her discovery of the beauty in slowing down.
Here’s Abbey:
It has been ten years since my divorce. I have since healed, moved on, and am now happily married. Yet, when I meet people who are going through a divorce, or recovering, I am flooded with memories of my experience. A very good friend of mine got divorced last year, and is now in the dating stage of the game. Hearing her talk about her match.com experiences brings me back to when I was in her shoes.
When I felt ready to “get back in the game” I too went the route of match.com. I also tried eHarmony. In addition, I went on a lot of blind dates. I dated myself crazy, one could say. In fact, I dated with the gusto of a Category 5 hurricane. To be honest, I really didn’t know what I was doing or who/what I was looking for. I just thought that since I had reached the point where I was ready to say, “Okay, I’d like to start dating,” that I had a moral obligation to let no opportunity go uninvestigated.
Consequently, I spent a lot of time online, emailing potential dates. Next, we’d talk on the phone, and then we’d finally meet in person. This alone could have been a full time job, as keeping track of all of the potential mates was always on my mind. In addition, I’d be on high alert in the grocery store, the gym, and really any public place. I’d tell my friends, “You never know when or where your soul mate will turn up.”
Well, one can only do the above for so long before emotional and physical exhaustion takes over. I specifically remember the moment I called a moratorium on my obsession with dating. It was a day that I had several errands to do before my 7:00 p.m. date. I remember I wasn’t excited about the date at all. I had been set up by a friend, and had reluctantly agreed because “you just never know, he could be the one.” Well, I hurried home from the store so I could be ready for my date. I carried the groceries up to my fourth floor condo as fast as I could, and at the top of the stairs realized just how tired I was. Not physically tired, but tired of spending my life in a constant conquest of finding “him.” Who was he anyway, and why did I have to be so worried about him every waking moment? I realized I had been ignoring my friends and family as a result of all the hours I had been devoting to dating.
At that moment, I knew I had to make some changes. I canceled my online dating subscriptions- not because they were bad or there was anything wrong with them. I stopped because online dating wasn’t making me happy. It was making me tired and frazzled, which quite frankly didn’t show my best side if I were to meet someone. After I ditched online dating and reclaimed the part of my life it had taken over, it felt good to not check my computer every five minutes for new matches. Instead, I slowed down. I took my time at work, and felt more productive and relaxed each day. I didn’t rush in and out of the gym; I actually stayed long enough to make some gym friends. I spent leisurely time with friends having drinks after work. I signed up for activities that I enjoyed. I traveled. It’s amazing how much more enjoyable life can be when you’re not always rushing. Bottom line, I met new people but also learned how to be by myself and be content.
Lo and behold, when I slowed down long enough to catch my breath, I found myself happier and healthier than I had ever been. I vowed then that no matter if or when I found “him,” I would not forget the importance of listening to that inner voice that begs us all to take time to truly enjoy life. Enjoying life is the name of the game, and unless we are taking the time to figure out just what it is we enjoy… it makes it a lot harder to find the person to enjoy it with. And, as proof of this notion, I met my now-husband after I had fully claimed my own happy life. It’s amazing what you can find when you’re not looking.
The Divorce Coach Says
Abbey Algiers is the author of The Great Search, a short story that follows the journey of one woman as she goes in search of “the one.” The Great Search features photos taken by Algiers’ photographer husband, Eric Fowler.
A blogger since 2007, Algiers has built an extensive online community with her inspirational running blog, imrunnerchica.com. Here she writes inspirational articles for runners and non-runners, and has an international audience of fans. Articles from her blog have been featured on Runners World Online and This Mother Can Run.
Algiers is incorporating her articles with marathon advice in an inspirational running book to be released this spring. In addition, Algiers is working on Living Backwards, a novel about one woman’s quest to reclaim herself after divorce. She is also writing a book about life lessons learned while golfing with her dad.