When it comes to dating after divorce, people often want to know when’s the right time to start. My response is, “Whenever you feel ready,” and when you’re ready you’ll know. There’s little point in pinning the start of dating to an event such as the date you separated or the date your divorce was final. These events mean different things to different people because the circumstances leading up to them vary so much.
My present guest, Elizabeth had been married for thirty-eight years and has been divorced for almost two years now. Here she talks about starting to date:
My ex moved out in November and I was alone in that house until the following September. I was in no way ready to go out with anybody for almost a year. I thought we were going to be getting back together. Divorce hadn’t even come up.
My brother had been separated for six months from his wife and they got back together. I thought for sure that we were going to work it out. So, divorce wasn’t even on my radar even when he moved out—I was thinking, “He’s going through something, we’re committed to each other. That’s just it.”
Then when he was dating somebody else, I moved out, I was in my own place and got settled. Then I was ready to date.
The man I’m currently with was the first person to make it past two dates because if I had been out for coffee and we had been on the second date, I knew whether I wanted to go through with it or not.
I’m sixty-four now, I was sixty-two or three when I started dating. It was like I don’t have time to mess around. I had my list of thirty-eight qualities and if you’re not hitting twenty of them, forget it. It’s not going to happen. I was very quick about saying, “I’m sorry. It just doesn’t feel right to me,” and, “No, thank you.”
I think I was on Match for six or eight months I guess. And Staydates. It took a lot of thought, and people wouldn’t call back. I could be the poster child for hanging in there and sticking around.
I was actually working with a dating coach, a good friend of mine. I just had to have an attitude adjustment to say next, next, next, OK, next. That was how I met this wonderful man, that I just put it out there.
The man I’m currently with was the first person to make it past two dates because if I had been out for coffee and we had been on the second date, I knew whether I wanted to go through with it or not.
Interestingly, if I had looked at his income bracket, or his educational background, I would have eliminated him. Also geographics, he’s beyond the fifty mile mark. But somehow we met, and it is far away and we see each other on weekends. And it’s fantastic.
The Divorce Coach Says
Elizabeth’s approach to dating is exactly what my dating coach would recommend: if someone doesn’t respond or isn’t a match, don’t take it personally. Just move on. She would also appreciate Elizabeth’s approach with having coffee – Sheila says nothing beats a face-to-face meeting and having coffee will help you determine if a person is a good match so much more effectively than the back and forth emails.
Isn’t it interesting that we can put so much effort into defining our must-haves and yet when you spend some time getting to know someone, some of those must-haves seem unimportant?
Let’s see, on my list of must-haves are: non-smoker, not a dog-owner and not a church-goer. Wonder what will happen to these in the future?
How about you? Did you drop any of your must-haves? Were you surprised?
Photo Credit: 2013© Jupiter Images Corporation