By Terry Gaspard
The truth about divorce is that it changes the dynamic of the parent and child relationship. It calls on us, as parents, to be stronger, more compassionate people. Parents who take control of their own lives, with courage and resilience, help their children do the same. Divorce is not for wimps. It draws on every ounce of energy from parents, forcing them to create a new kind of family.
You see, when parents divorce, their children are forced to give up their sense of control. Let’s face it, divorce is a decision made by parents – not by children. Children who endure their parents’ breakup are faced with making choices that decrease their sense of security. These choices can range from whose house to have their birthday party at to worrying about upsetting one parent’s feelings. When children are put in a position where they feel they have to choose between their parents they may experience divided loyalties.
As a parent, it is of primary importance that you help your child not to feel stuck in the middle between two angry parents or choosing sides. Listening to a child’s perspective of their parents’ breakup can teach us to find a better way to deal with our own divorce baggage and to move on toward more effective co-parenting. The first step to being a responsible co-parent is to put your child’s needs ahead of your own.
Kristin, an articulate twelve year old hit the nail on the head as she spoke about the pain of listening to her parents’ argue after their divorce: “My parents are so different, I mean my mom is easy going and my dad is a workaholic who is never home.” I requested that Cindy, Kristin’s mom attend our next session because I wanted to empower Kristin by giving her the opportunity to express her feelings and to give Cindy the chance to learn more about her daughter’s experience.
During our counseling session, Kristin requested that her mom stop putting her dad down for being late to pick her up for visits. “It hurts me when I hear you say he must not want to see me or he doesn’t care enough to be on time. Why don’t you ask me what I think? If you did, you’d realize I don’t care if he’s running late.” Several weeks later, Kristin had a parallel session with her dad wherein she was able to disclose that she was tired of being compared to her mother when he was disappointed in her.
An important lesson can be learned from Kristin’s story. First and foremost, try not to involve your child in your anger at your ex.
These strategies can prevent your child or adolescent from developing problematic loyalty conflicts:
- Be willing to let your ex have the last word and walk away when your interaction becomes adversarial. Even if you can’t be friendly allies, being cordial and respectful is a worthy goal.
- Avoid confiding your feelings about your ex to your child. If you do this it forces them to choose sides and can worsen loyalty conflicts.
- Always recognize that your ex is your child’s parent and deserves respect for that reason alone.
- Be aware that if your child hears you make negative comments about your ex it can have a detrimental impact on them. Pay attention to where your child is when you are talking about your ex. Don’t talk about issues they shouldn’t hear when they’re in close proximity.
You see, divorce forever pits children and even adult offspring between their parents’ two disparate worlds. The pressure of making decisions about spending time with both parents – especially around the holidays – can cause an adult child of divorce to feel guilty or anxious. If at all possible, try to reduce expectations and suggest rotating holidays.
Even though children don’t cause their parents’ divorce, they often feel responsible for their parents’ happiness. In some cases, they might side with one parent against the other parent, which can cause alienation or even estrangement. In What About the Kids? Judith Wallerstein cautions us that a serious problem exists when a child and a parent of either sex joins forces in an outright alignment against the other parent.
Many adult children of divorce I’ve interviewed describe the pressure of divided loyalties. Meghan, a lively twenty-two year old college student speaks candidly about her struggle to cope with loyalty conflicts since age nine. She recalls: “It was really hard to interact with both of my parents after their divorce. When they were saying nasty things about each other, I just never wanted to take sides.”
Loyalty conflicts can make some kids feel as if they need to keep a secret. Meghan continues, “I felt like I had to keep my dad’s new girlfriend a secret because my dad bought her lots of stuff, even though he wasn’t paying regular child support. When my mom asked me if my dad had a girlfriend I lied but she eventually found out when she saw them together.” Meghan’s story reminds us that children should never be used as a messenger between their parents post-divorce. Let them enjoy their childhood and think about how you want them to remember you when they grow up.
It’s important for children and adolescents to talk about their parents’ divorce with someone they trust and to remind them on a regular basis that it wasn’t their fault. Judith Wallerstein reminds us that parents can hinder their children’s development by holding onto past grievances. Conversely, they can help them adjust to post-divorce life by providing loving encouragement. Keeping our differences with our ex-spouses away from our children will open up opportunities to move beyond divorce in the years to come.
The Divorce Coach Says
I agree with everything that Terry says here but I would like to add that you can only be responsible for your own behavior. You can try to get your ex to read articles like this and you can try to get him/her on the same page as you but ultimately you can’t control your ex. It is him/her that chooses how to behave and there’s a limit to how many times you can try to influence your ex without being seen as antagonistic – you could be making the situation worse by trying to making it better. So focus on your own behavior.
I imagine that next to bad-mouthing, having to shuffle between two homes has high-conflict potential. From my perspective, I feel that my ex and I have been very flexible with our parenting schedule being guided more by the kids’ wishes than the legal document. It’s impacted him more than me since he’s the one that has given up midweek visits because the children found them to be too disruptive and stressful but I know his flexibility has made the children’s lives easier and that makes my job as a parent easier.
My tip for understanding your parenting schedule from your child’s perspective: Pack up everything you would need for an overnight visit (clothes, toiletries, leisure activities) and work next day (laptop, files, office supplies) and then for the next 24 hours use only those items. How does it feel? What did you forget? Now imagine repeating that to come back home and knowing you have to do it all again in a couple of days. Know you have some idea what child is experiencing on a regular basis.
What could you do to make shuffling between two homes easier for your child? What does your child say about his/her schedule?