Experts agree – kids do best after divorce when both parents are actively involved in their parenting. Despite this, there are plenty of reasons you might hate Father’s Day after divorce. This is the topic for this episode of Conversations About Divorce and joining me is blogger, Kyle Bradford a.k.a. ChopperPapa. Kyle is an activist on being a father, being a husband and being an ex. He always has some interesting viewpoints to offer and isn’t shy about speaking up so I encourage you to listen in …
Not a fan of podcasts? No problem – here’s what Kyle and I discussed.
PSA – this is not a dads only read – it’s for moms too since it may help you understand more about what your ex is feeling and you could help your child honor his father.
Father’s Day Is Not A Serious Holiday
Yes, Father’s Day is a Holiday but let’s be honest. It doesn’t get anywhere near equal footing with Mother’s Day.
I grew up in England where Mother’s Day is known as Mothering Sunday and it’s part of the official Church of England calendar. It’s the fourth Sunday in Lent. Nowhere, even to this day, is there a Father’s Day in the Church calendar. There’s a Father’s Day – it’s the same day as the American Holiday which some would call a Hallmark occasion. It might be a sign of the times but I don’t even remember celebrating Father’s Day growing up – sorry Dad!
Here in the U.S., not surprisingly, neither Mother’s Day or Father’s Day is tied to a church calendar but Father’s Day seems a more recent addition to the Holiday calendar added perhaps in our quest for gender equality. Don’t get me wrong, I think Dads should absolutely have a day dedicated to honoring their role however, I think culturally we have a long way to go in putting as much emphasis on Father’s Day as we do Mother’s Day and to honoring fathers in general.
Your Kids Are Not With You
This is a common complaint that often stems from the parenting schedule where the ex has scheduled time on Father’s Day. Even if you thought ahead about this and were able to build in an override so your kids would be with you on Father’s Day regardless of their regular schedule, it doesn’t guarantee they will, particularly as June is prime summer vacation time.
And it’s tough. It’s easy to suggest that it’s just one day and you can honor the occasion on another day when you can all be together, that you can be flexible but this can compound the sense that Father’s Day isn’t taken seriously. It’s simple to say that a particular day is not important, until that day is taken away from you.
You’ve Been Replaced
Kyle Bradford shared that the first Father’s Day after he and his wife had separated, he did feel he’d been replaced: his wife’s lover moved in almost immediately Kyle moved out. For Kyle, it was surreal. While rationally he knew he was his kids’ biological father and no one could change that, he still felt that he had been pushed aside. This other person was in the house that used to be his home, living with his kids. That first year, Kyle says he remembers his kids gave cards to this new man but not to him. He felt humiliated. That may not have been his wife’s intention but that was the impact.
Fast forward ten years and Kyle says that his ex and her boyfriend did get married and so he became stepfather to Kyle’s kids. It hasn’t been an easy road but Kyle now values his presence in his kids’ lives and will make sure that his kids celebrate Father’s Day with their stepfather in some way.
Your Divorce Caught You By Surprise
This reason may ring true especially if you’re newly-single. According to Kyle, many men are surprised when the difficulties in their marriage do result in divorce. I’ve heard this from clients too. Why that happens is a topic for another day, but when it does, Father’s Day comes as a painful reminder that you are no longer in the protector, provider role you thought you would be in for the rest of your life. Your family isn’t going to grow up the way you thought it would. All the ads and commercials reminding us about Father’s Day can easily stir up the hard, difficult emotions from divorce, leaving you wishing you could just sit this one out.
Single Moms Are More Important
There isn’t much you can do about this one single-handedly however, I have to agree with Kyle, the stereotype for single dads is a second-rate citizen. Kyle points to T.V. shows, commercials, and movies that routinely portray single dads in a negative light while single moms are portrayed as victims. Single dads come across as inept, and incapable of doing basic parenting tasks, not being seriously committed to their fatherhood role. Too often they are absent. While there are plenty of deadbeat dads that have earned this reputation, single dads are too often judged as guilty before they’ve been given chance to prove their worth. They are fighting against negative assumptions even before they’ve started.
Your Ex Overshadows You
Quite aside from the super strong biological bonds between a mother and her child, if your ex has been the primary caregiver, then chances are that your kids will still see her that way after divorce. If she’s the one who makes their meals, shops for their clothes, arranges playdates, volunteers at school, helps with homework, she’s got that goddess stature. She’s on a pedestal. They may turn to her for help, even on your parenting time, for things that you feel you are more than capable of taking of, things that you’ve learned to do and things that you want to do. And when you do take care of things, you’re going to hear, “Mommy doesn’t do it that way.”
You Aren’t Supposed To be Sentimental
It’s a conflict. Here you are, trying to step up as father of the house, the provider, the protector and being all things masculine, everything you thought that society expected of you as a man and yet, being a single dad means that you have to mother your children while they are in your care because quite simply, that’s your job now. You are the one who has to kiss the boo-boos, wipe the tears, and hold them tight. Not only are you fighting against the stereotype of single dads, you’re having to embrace your feminine side that you may have pushed aside many years ago and that’s likely to feel uncomfortable to start with.
You Live Far From Ex
There are all sorts of reasons why you might be living a distance from your ex but the end result is that if you live in a different school district than your kids, then you are likely disadvantaged: your kid’s activities and friendships will mostly likely be centered around their school. In practical terms that can make it harder for you to get to school activities, harder to make connections with parents of your kid’s friends, fewer play dates and activities at your house and potentially less parenting time as your child opts to go their friend’s house because yours is “too far.” You’ll be doing a whole lot more driving. All of those can compound and make it harder for you to be as actively involved in your child’s life.
Being A Single Dad Is Hard
If you are being an actively involved and engaged parent, then regardless of your gender, it is hard. As the only adult in the house, you are it. You are responsible for your kids and there is no one else you can turn to for a break unlike when you married and your spouse was around. I remember feeling outnumbered by my kids and wondering if I could do it. As Kyle says, “You can’t just walk into another room and make like they’re not there because they will hunt you down. There’s no one else.” You have to step up your game and the truth is that many people say they became a better parent after divorce.