Continuing Nancy’s story, she was married for about seventeen years when she discovered that her husband had been secretly storing her unwanted clothes for years. He would wear her clothes in secret while viewing adult websites. While she tried playing his game, she couldn’t light the fire on their intimacy and their marriage ended. That was almost three years ago and unfortunately the legal process is still going on. A year ago, Nancy discovered her husband was dating online and that hurt. Here’s what happened:
I found out last year that he had subscribed to Match.com, (the dating site) saying that he was divorced already, even though officially he’s not. When another friend also told me that, I couldn’t resist, I had this idea.
I created a profile for myself on Match.com and I used somebody else’s picture. It was what he was looking for in a woman, everything he wanted in a woman.
He wants to portray an image that he’s a macho, but deep inside, I don’t know. He seems so cheerful when he’s in men’s company, in general, because he likes playing sports, but he’s always so stiff when he’s with another man, and with women I think he finds it difficult to relate to them. He can’t open up.
Anyway he fell for it and for two weeks, we were chatting. I couldn’t believe when I was typing, I couldn’t make one mistake, I had to be very careful. He was asking about my life and this and that and I had to make everything up. It was like a soap opera. He was telling me how special I was, how wonderful I was. Then he said he wanted to meet, and I said no.
I just wanted to be wanted, everybody wants to be wanted.
The Divorce Coach Says
I remember shortly after my ex and I split up, I was out walking on our local open space trail when I ran into him. He was riding his bike and was with another lady. He stopped and said hello, she didn’t stop and he didn’t introduce me. My initial reaction was one of surprise – we’d only been apart a few weeks (although we’d spent the best part of nine months discussing it.) Was I that easily forgotten? As I thought about it though, I thought it was a good thing. It was me who had pushed to end the marriage. It was me who had said “I don’t love you anymore.” It meant he was moving on. I hoped that would mean no bitterness and an easier relationship for us. Nevertheless, I was surprised at that little emotional stirring, even a touch of jealousy.
Nancy’s reaction to her husband dating was similar to her becoming a model for the adult websites. She says it herself, she wanted to be wanted and she wanted to be wanted by him.
I can understand wanting to try to work problems out with your spouse but with a divorce that had been proceeding for almost two years and the history here, to me this was not a productive exercise for Nancy and I’m sure it would be upsetting for her ex had he known . At this stage, I would be counseling Nancy to focus her energies on herself and to let go. It’s time to move on but I’m concerned that with so much uncertainty facing her, Nancy is clinging to what she knows – the past.
How did you feel when you first discovered your ex was dating? How did your ex react to your dating?
PS: Does anyone put their status as “married” on a dating site?
Photo credit: Cali4beach