In the last couple of posts, we’ve talked about our culture of marriage, the expectation that marriage comes with adulthood. I think there is also the expectation that we will have children and for most of us, that expectation is met by our own desires. Although medical advancements have made it safer for older women to give birth, and the choice to become a single mom is more acceptable today, getting divorced in your thirties means that for many women the likelihood of having children is significant less. This is certainly true for Antonia. Here’s Antonia:
I did want to have children and I do, but I am single right now because I choose to be. I do get a lot of offers, a lot of dates, but they’re not the right person for me. I’d rather be single than just date to date. I’m at the point now where I tried so hard to plan growing up and plan this dream life…I’m done planning. So if I don’t ever have children, I will be okay with that.
It did take a while for me to get here. At first, I thought having children had to define me, like I was going to be empty if I didn’t, or judged if I didn’t. That’s why I worried, more than whether or not it was right or it was good or it was meant to be.
People are envious of me, they look up to me, they think I am so strong, they think I’m so strong that I actually left, because we hear about people who either stay in a marriage for the children or stay in abusive relationships because they’re afraid to leave. They are very proud of me and I’m going to be quite frank with you, my sisters and my friends at this point are like,
“You’re crazy if you have kids, you have this wonderful life.”
But, whatever works for me is going to work for me. I might fall in love next week and we might want to have a baby together, or I might not. I just can’t have that planning holding over my head that it’s going to hurt me or make me less of a person if I don’t.
The Divorce Coach Says
Interestingly, when I was growing up, I always wanted to have children even though I didn’t always see myself as getting married. Certainly, thirty or forty years ago that was a bit of dilemma! I know I would have struggled with getting divorced and being faced with having no children.
I admire Antonia for not letting this define her or her happiness. I love too her “I’m done with planning,” because she’s right – when we follow what society or our family expects of us or has mapped out for us, it isn’t necessarily what is right for us. I believe it is the latter that will lead us to enduring and meaningful happiness.
Another one of my guests, Sally dealt with this and she says she’ll probably always have some regrets about not having children but it just never worked out for her.
Was/Is not having children something that worries you? Have you decided/accepted that you won’t have children? What helped you change your mind about having children? Would you consider being a single mother by choice?
Photo credit: exfordy
I am blessed beyond belief to have children. Had I gotten divorced without them, I am almost certain that I would have considered becoming a single mom – most likely through adoption. Even now, I consider the possibility of adopting an older child once my own leave our home. I will have to see what life looks like then, but I think of so many older children who haven’t become a part of a family and I would be willing to bring them to mine, if the opportunity arises.
@MissyJune – I’m not sure if I would have been a single mother by choice fifteen/eighteen years ago but I’m glad that it has become more acceptable today. I would hope that the adoption system values moms like you – adopting a child when my child have flown is not something I could do.
I love my two girls with all my heart, and wouldn’t trade them for anything. So please know that when I follow it with, sometimes I feel guilty for contributing to the overpopulation. My two cents are that having children is also something that some people just think is ‘next’ without really being sure that it’s the right thing for them. And if someone really really really wants a child, then there are plenty of children that could use a good, loving home.
I don’t know if I would have pursued single motherhood, but I’m proud to be a single mom.
From what I’ve read here, Antonia already sounds like a full and complete person, with or without husband and/or child.
I agree that some people may not think about whether or not having children is the right decision for them. I think that has much to do with our societal expectations and how we raise our kids. I’m guilty of that – even now for example, I talk to my kids about how I hope I live close enough to them to see my grandchildren. I think that sets a mindset that children are a given rather than a decision to be made.
The same conditioning applies to going to college. Even in middle school both my kids talked about “when I’m in college.” It’s never been if. I know these are two completely different life decisions to make but I’m using them as an example of how we get conditioned into these steps.
This was one of the hardest things for me about getting divorced. I REALLY wanted to have children. I would definitely have considered being a single mom, but life had other plans for me. I am currently expecting Baby #2, and I couldn’t be happier. That said, we all make our own happiness, and it sounds like Antonia has great perspective!
I’ve been married and I have children and now I’m divorced. But there are STILL societal expectations on me. Just yesterday, my boyfriend and I were discussing how many of our friends are expecting us to marry soon because we’ve been together nearly 2 years now.
Sheesh. Can’t society just allow us to make our own happiness?
Good for you, Antonia!
I had a son late in my 30s, and he’s been one of the best things that ever happened in my life. I never had a big urge to have kids when I was young, and am glad I was able to have a child eventually.
I have friends who are single mothers, women friends who always wanted children but never found the right man, men who want children but haven’t been able to find a woman that also wants kids, and women who settled for staying in a less than ideal relationship so they could have kids. There are always choices – to have kids or not, and the ideal situation is probably a rare thing to find.
@Sibylle – I really do think that both men and women have more options around marriage and children than they ever had in the past and I think that is truly to the benefit of everyone. Now we just have to learn to follow our hearts instead of doing what is expected us.
I would love to be a mom, unfortunately like a lot women I got divorced without children at my end 30s, and days went by and I am now going to be 40. There is no man for me to raise child together. This is really sad but this is life. If I have to move on with my own life, I have to accept what I have now.
@eve I know I would have struggled with not having children. Have you considered having a child on your own? I know increasing numbers of women do make this choice and I think society is more supportive of single mothers by choice now.
Thanks so much for the reply. After one month I happen to find this page again and read my own comments here. Yes, I have tried at my early 30s when I first got married. Unfortunately I didn’t get pregnant and found problems with my womb. After year long treatments we were advised to take insemination. Before the treatment barely began, our marriage was already over. Through the painful separation and divorce process, I hardly have any trust in anyone to fall in love again. Time flies by, I am staying here being left alone. With all kinds of physical illness and depression I feel daily extremely tired and exhausted. Without children might be the best for me. Still as a woman, without children is sad.
Yes, I also thought of as a single mother, and even looked for information for semen banks. It is only a matter of money. It might be possible one day I will try it, but first, I have to make sure that I have enough financial supports for myself and my child, and I have to be fit enough to keep us in a health family. Like most divorced woman, I need first to have my own life in order and then make other possibilities. I lost everything during my divorce, my job, my property, my energy and my ‘youth’. Now it’s time just to start over. It’s damned hard, but I am still trying.
@Eve – losing everything must have been devastating but I think you’re on the right track – you do have to be able to take care of yourself before you can take on a child. I’ve interviewed other women who have lost everything in divorce – take at look at Mardell’s and Jen’s from the Story Catalog – they’re at different stages of recovery but both show what’s possible with determination and faith in yourself.
This website has been a godsend for me, in it’s advice and support. I’m currently going through a divorce, which has been especially emotionally difficult, we were together for 11 years (we were high school & college sweethearts, we dated for 7 years then were married for 4), however in more recent years, our relationship has become unhealthy with co-dependence and verbal/emotional abuse and has deteriated and I knew, as difficult as a decision this was, it needed to be made. I have always wanted children, but began to question that, in due I think because of how dysfunctional our relationship was. We never did have children, due to fertility issues, but now I find myself alone and aching for a child. And I find myself wondering if I’ll ever re-marry or find someone (& have a healthy relationship) and have children of my own and I struggle with this. But for now I know I just need to heal and become healthier emotionally.
Lahela, I’m so pleased my site has helped you. Your divorce would have been much harder had you had children and they would have connected you to your ex quite possibly forever.
Our society today is much more accepting of single parents by choice and that’s an option that is open to you. Give yourself time to heal and then I encourage you to explore those alternatives.