Without a doubt, divorce is time of adjustment and change for everyone. Kristi (@divorcetohappy) and her husband owned an electrical company together so leaving her marriage meant leaving her husband AND the company. That’s was a big transition especially since she was getting divorced without her parents’ support. She also went from a million-dollar home to a condo where she and her children still live after three and half years. She doesn’t mind the down-sizing and for now it’s in the best interests of her children. Kristi explains why and why she thinks children with divorced parents have a hard time.
My kids ask “when are we moving?” I just tell them, “One of these days, we’ll move.”
We were going to build a house last year and I got builders and I got everybody lined up. Then I went to the bank to get a loan only to find out my name is still on the million dollar home.
Because the business has done so bad since I left, he can’t take refinance the house and get my name off. The only way for me to get my name off there is to go back to court, hold him in contempt of court and make him sell the house. But that’s my children’s house. I’m not doing that. We’re OK here. It’s easy to clean, it’s a little crowded but that’s OK.
It has got to be hard for children of divorced parents. They go to one house and live by this set of rules and then they go to the other house and live by another set of rules. If those sets of rules are completely different, it’s got be extremely hard. There’s no way in the world it can’t be. And then when you throw step-kids into the mix, who were raised by someone else with a totally different approach parenting ….
I have a stepson and he doesn’t live with us because he can’t abide by any rules. Nobody had held him accountable for anything and I couldn’t have him living in my house with my children and dealing with those things. Pornography on the computer, that ain’t gonna fly in my house. I’m just not going to allow it. But when it’s allowed at the other house, it’s terribly hard for them to understand.
There’s so much I like in this little part of Kristi’s story. I like that Kristi is able to look at her housing situation from the perspective of what is best for her children. In choosing not to take her ex back to court, she’s choosing to keep a meaningful part of the lives of her children the same – the house they grew up and I’m a big advocate of keeping as much the same as possible.
I also like that Kristi’s able to see that living with multiple sets of rules is challenging for kids and yet still be willing to set the boundaries and teach her children her values. Another interviewee, Kim Katz spoke about two homes, two sets of rules and I think that whenever both parents remain involved in parenting, this is a universal truth about divorce.
With my kids, I like to talk about what the different expectations are between their dad and I and then to see if there’s a reason for me to change or relax, so the two homes are more aligned. That’s isn’t always something I’m willing to do and then I like to explain to them the logic behind my rule and why I’m not willing to bend it.
So I think it’s time for some fun … we need to develop our own humorous house rules sign – one that explains how to live with two different sets of rules. How about ….
- When you are here my rules apply. Variances must be applied for in writing and are subject to an application fee
Feel free to add yours in the comments….
Kristi blogs at Divorce to Happiness and is just venturing into divorce coaching. If you haven’t already visited her blog, I hope you will.