It was just six weeks from the night Vivianne realized she had to leave her marriage to when she moved into a apartment in another state. She’d never lived on her own before having gone from her parents’ home to college to law school to marriage. She was afraid she wouldn’t be able to raise her two children. She was afraid she wouldn’t be able to handle it financially but amidst those fears came relief, and Vivianne changed. Here’s Vivianne.
The relief was immediate. I couldn’t wait to have my own place where I could do as I pleased and decorate it the way I wanted without any criticism. I could come home and feel safe and peaceful and not have to worry about whether he was there and if he’d be angry or in some other mood that I’d have to appease. I moved here, my children came here and it was peaceful. It was lovely. It was liberating.
When I lived with my husband, there was a certain block I’d reach coming home where my stomach would suddenly start to clench up. I don’t have that anymore. I look forward to coming home. The children look forward to coming home.
My daughter was happy to leave. Once we moved into our new home you could literally feel her sigh of relief. She felt safe here even though there was an adjustment she had to go through with moving schools and moving to a new area.
I laugh a lot more than I ever did. Many of my friends noticed a difference. People don’t tell you this when you’re going through it but after you’re divorced, they’ll say,
“You were changing throughout your marriage.”
“You were a different person.”
“I didn’t recognize you.”
“We never really liked him to begin with.”
It’s amazing how those comments come out.
I still have my moments with my ex but I can put them aside. I can focus on children and what we need to do the next day, homework and school events. When I left, I wanted to enjoy my life and find myself again, find the person I was before I was married and feel energized again, find the ambitions I used to have.
The Divorce Coach Says
When my husband moved out, I was also tremendously relieved. I do want to make it clear that I was not in an abusive situation like Vivianne but nevertheless, it felt so good to come home knowing that there would not be yet another discussion about why I wanted to end our marriage, knowing that I wouldn’t be tiptoeing around on broken glass, and finally having a bedroom to myself. The tension was gone and it was immediate.
When your body reacts like that, it’s telling you, you’ve made the right decision. Writer and shaman Melanie Mulhall calls it using your internal guidance system. You can use the technique she describes to guide you through your divorce process and afterward with your co-parenting. The counselor I saw while I was going through my divorce used a similar technique when we were talking about parenting plan and financial proposals. You’ll know soon enough when decisions aren’t good for you.
How did you feel when you left your marriage? Was the relief immediate? If you didn’t want the divorce, how did you feel? Was it a relief even then?
One of Vivianne’s ambitions is to write a book and she’s got started on her dreams with her blog, Vivianne’s Vista. She also covers domestic violence and abuse for Examiner.com in the New Jersey area. You can follow her on Twitter – @ViviannesVista.
PS – One of my favorite topics is the whole language around divorce and how much of it is negative. My friend and fellow blogger, Leisa Hammett is about to get married again and she has a great post on this. Hop over there and you’ll find out her ex is her wuzband. That made me smile.
Photo Credit: Chris. P at Flickr – http://www.flickr.com/photos/chr1sp/4018209561/