Kristi ignored her inner voice during her marriage and kept trying to make it work. Finally, about three and half years ago she left and has since found true happiness. On her Divorce to Happiness blog she’s just shared the three-part fairy tale marriage proposal from her new partner. Before this however, she was involved in another long-term relationship and could still be in that relationship were it not for a list. A very important list. Here’s Kristi:
It was hardly a month after I left that I made my list of the things I knew I had to have in a relationship. There were about 20 things on the list and I didn’t share that list with anybody. I got the idea from a book – I can’t tell you the name of the book but it starts with making a list of everything you want in your new life. That’s exactly what I did.
It’s about what you need, the things you didn’t have in your previous relationship. In the beginning that list looked a lot like the things I hated about my ex. I’m sure other peoples’ lists would look the same. But you have to have that list.
Two years later, I’d been in a long-distance on-off relationship and I found that list on my computer. I hadn’t looked at it for a long time but that and a conversation with a friend, made me realize what I think I’d known for a long time. I needed to end that relationship.
That relationship was very similar to my marriage in that they both drank a lot and both were men who did not like physical touch or affection in public, or in private either really, just in the bedroom. I was doing the same thing as I did in my marriage – you can give and you can give and you can try to make someone else see, but unless they want to, it’s not going to work and the last thing I wanted was to to fail twice.
Everyone needs a list.
Kristi is now a divorce coach and in her Dating after Divorce Recipe, ingredient #1 is the list.
I don’t have a list but I do like this idea. As I’ve replayed my relationship with my ex, there were lots of red flags I ignored early on, even when we were dating, that would have indicated trouble to come, had I paid heed to them. I have a little notebook I carry in my pocketbook – I’m going to start making my list.
Do you have your list? Has it helped you?