My current guest Donna and her husband got married shortly after their son was born. Without him, they likely would not have married. Here’s Donna reflecting on that decision:
I find it ironic sometimes when I think that the main reason I got married was for my son so that he could have a dad. Personally I didn’t want to get married, because we didn’t really know each other that well. But at the time I wanted my son to have the chance to have his dad in his life.
The main reason for the divorce is for my son. So that he won’t be exposed to the arguing, all that tension, the atmosphere, the environment.
We did try to get back together for a little bit which I thought was the right thing to do, to at least try. It convinced me that going our separate ways was the best for all of us. We do talk on the phone like old friends and there’s a part of me that kind of misses that companionship. This is the good part of him. I think the fact that we did try to get back together and it didn’t work dispels any notion that it could work.
My parents had to get married for the same reason: they got pregnant with me. Mom got married but wasn’t happy. They stayed married for eighteen years and were miserable the whole time. My brother and I were miserable. What was the point of that?
As soon as they got divorced both of them were so much happier.
I’m already happier. It’s just such a relief to be out of that relationship. I’m already just so grateful to have my son in my life and live in a peaceful home. I’m sure it is with a lot of people that get divorced. It’s this huge weight off your shoulders and you don’t have that that tension and stress in your life.
I remember when he did get arrested how wonderful it was in the house. How peaceful and calm, and quiet it was. Even to this day almost every morning or everyday I come home and I’m like man, it’s just so nice to do whatever I want and no one telling me to clean it up, it’s neat the way I want, no one messing it up either.
Granted you have a different stress in your life but for me it’s nothing like it was before. Miserable.
The Divorce Coach Says
According to the Pew Research Center, the current number of married adults in the U.S. is now at a record low of 51 percent compared to 72 percent back in 1960. There are several reasons given for the drop including the poor economy and young adults delaying marriage. I hope that one of the reasons is also that couples facing an unplanned pregnancy no longer feel compelled to get married. Need I say more on that?
As mothers we have a tendency to put our children first, as Donna does here saying that her son is the main reason for the divorce. I think it somehow makes it easier if we can “justify” the end of the marriage. But divorce doesn’t need to be justified or rationalized to others. There is no longer a list of so-called legitimate reasons for divorce. Deciding to divorce is a personal decision. If you can put your hand on your heart and say you’ve truly tried to make the marriage work, then so be it. No guilt.
And my hope is that if we can make divorce more acceptable then getting divorced will be less traumatic and more people will go on as two reasonable adults living apart, working to be the best parents they can, raising their children together.
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