Yesterday I shared Kim Katz’s story about how early in her first marriage she had the foresight to become a nurse so she would be able to support herself and her daughter. About two years after her first marriage ended she remarried. That marriage also failed though for very different reasons.
I was married to my second husband for over 10 years and we had two great boys. His and my issues were more compatibility. It wasn’t anything insidious like cheating or stealing. I wasn’t allowed to be who I was. He was a very controlling person and also a very depressed person.
About midway through the marriage, I was contemplating leaving and I was having a heart to heart with my Dad while we were on vacation. He was baffled and didn’t know what to tell me. Then literally the minute I came back from vacation I found out I was pregnant and I thought, ‘Alright, this is a sign from someone up above, you need to stick this out. Keep trying.’ So I resolved myself. This is my marriage. This is what has to happen. I’m going to make it better.
Another five years went by and that’s when I was basically saying I can’t do it anymore yet I was agonizing over tearing apart the lives of my children. I had realized that the way the house was, the atmosphere in the house, it just wasn’t OK. We could have co-existed but the dysfunction was there, the lack of warmth. I wanted my children to see a happy marriage or a happy home – it didn’t have to necessarily involve a marriage.
A good friend of mine made a comment to me that really helped me come to peace with my decision. She said, ‘You didn’t get pregnant as a sign to stick out the marriage. You got pregnant so your older son would have somebody to share this experience with, to have somebody close to him no matter where he was, whether he was with mom or dad.’
It was a good way of looking at it. He has his brother and they are great friends. They’re just 19 months apart. And they have been there for each other. That has been a comfort to me because I can’t imagine what it would be like to go through it as a child.
Kim says it was pretty disheartening to be twice-divorced at 38 and to think that it was all over. But she was wrong – it wasn’t over by a long stretch – come back to learn more about Kim’s story and in the meantime, feel free to leave a comment – how did you feel about your second divorce? What were your concerns for your children? When you were struggling in your marriage did a friend bring a different perspective that helped you?