It’s been almost six years since Debbie first found out about her husband’s infidelity. That was the beginning of a journey that meant confronting the trauma and sadness of pedophilia and suicide. The emotional toll of those events is unimaginable and yet here Debbie is undertaking a charity half-marathon. Debbie has shared how difficult it was for her to find resources that spoke to her specific circumstances and knowing that I asked her if she had any words of wisdom she would share for anyone facing a similar situation. Here’s Debbie:
During the darkest time, I did not trust the ground beneath my feet. I felt like I no longer knew anything. It was not so much my loss of trust in my husband but my loss of trust in myself – trust to know what was true or not in everything.
I questioned everything I had ever been told by him and experienced with him. I remember a few years ago, in some type of Facebook question and answer quiz, I was asked to finish the sentence,
“What I really want to know is ….,” and my answer was
“.. if he ever really loved me.”
I still struggle with that.
There are two episodes with my therapist that I remember distinctly. One was a day that he told me three things:
- It will never make sense
- There will never be justice
- It will never be fair
This was very helpful to me and definitely advice I would pass on to others. I’ve repeated those words over and over, almost like a mantra.
Another time, my therapist advised me to look at it as having crossed paths with insanity and gotten out OK.
OK is a matter of opinion. Whether any of us are actually sane is a matter of opinion but that’s how I try to look at it. And honestly, like other women who’ve shared their story here and said they can’t regret their marriage, I would do it all again just to have my son. He’s the greatest thing in the world.
I realize that what happened is a part of me but it’s not who I am. What I would say to somebody in a similar situation is not to feel ashamed or that someone else’s behavior reflects on you. Realizing that I didn’t have to keep my husband’s secrets, that I had the power to make my own choices was very liberating.
I could let this break me or I could find a way to get through it. I think a lot of people say, ‘well, I had no choice,’ but everyone has a choice. There are people who breakdown, there are people who get into addictions or they fall apart. I think I knew that very early on and I made the choice that it wasn’t going to break me.
The way you approach things and the choices you make are the control you have and no one can take that away from you.
The Divorce Coach Says
Amazing what we would go through for our children, isn’t it? Do you ever wonder if your ex ever loved you?
I think all of this is sound advice not just for people facing divorce but for life in general. Realizing that someone else’s behavior is not a reflection of you is a big one for me. I can think of numerous times in the past when I’ve not told a friend about the way someone else treated me because I thought it would reflect on me.
My ex was never really comfortable with my being the primary breadwinner and the corporate position I held – he would invariably get very angry and jealous when I had to travel somewhere on business. Often times, the locations were top resorts but there was little time for relaxation or exploration. In response to him, I would be sure to keep the trips as short as possible and I never talked to anyone at work about it.
Sure hope I’m wiser now …
I love the therapist’s advice… it’s so true. And so hard to accept.
Your therapist is right on! While I don’t advocate divorce I do feel that sometimes it is inevitable. I tried everything I could to save my marriage and it didn’t work. Now I am a single Dad (yes I have full custody) with 3 kids. The divorce was hard on them but they are so much better off now. I got a lot of information and advice for divorce from http://www.dadsdivorce.com.
As the others said, the therapist’s words were by far the most comforting you could have ever heard. I would get very frustrated with my mom’s go-to “everything happens for a reason.” There were a lot of things I simply could not make fit. When I finally let go of that, I finally felt free.
This sounds banal, but it’s like Tim Gunn told a designer who couldn’t make her original vision work: “now you’re released from it.”
We get so caught up in the idea that we’re supposed to fight for these things we want, these people we love that I don’t think we appreciate enough how much more we can have by simply letting go sometimes.
Debbie is a wonderful inspiration. Thanks to both Debbie and Mandy for sharing this story!
Mandy –
Thank you…
for sharing my story
for helping in my ongoing healing
for supporting so many people who have to deal with divorce in their lives.
This experience has changed me and I am grateful to you for that.
Debbie
And I have learned from talking with you. This morning I read a report in my local paper about a 29 year-old-man who had been arrested for masturbating while watching kids on a school playground. I wondered immediately if he had a wife and if she knew, what she would be feeling. I’ve never thought about that before. Thank you for opening my eyes.
“During the darkest time, I did not trust the ground beneath my feet. I felt like I no longer knew anything. It was not so much my loss of trust in my husband but my loss of trust in myself – trust to know what was true or not in everything.”
Oh, so true. I really identify with this. My divorce was not nearly as complicated or as hard as Debbie’s, and I can’t imagine dealing with all she’s dealt with. But, not trusting myself and my decisions…yeah, I remember feeling that way post-divorce. It was a very lonely, desperate feeling.
Hi Jenn – I can see how you could lose that trust in yourself. For me it was more of the opposite – I knew that ending my marriage was my path to happiness and yes, it was difficult but it was the beginning of trusting my instinct.
How did you learn to trust yourself again? What helped you build your self-confidence?
As Debbie’s mother, I cannot begin to tell you how proud I am of her for how she has handled this trauma in her life. She is a strong, strong person and a wonderful mother to her son.
During this upheavel in Debbie’s life it has been most difficult to not be able to FIX it! Mother’s always FIX everthing for their children. In this situation there was nothing I could do to make things better except to give her and her son all my love and support. I never felt it was enough. Believe me there were many things I wanted to do. But I respected her wishes of letting her handle it her way, very difficult for a mother. She always knew her dad and I were there for her. So to parents of children that are going through a similiar situation, respect your adult child’s wishes and give them all your love and support.
Hi Debbie’s Mom – thank you so much for stopping by and commenting. I have had a number of women tell me that their parents did not support them in their divorce, making it more isolating, more lonely and harder. It just means so much to able to turn to your parents and know that they are there for you.
I can tell that Debbie is a special person and you obviously played a part in that. You and her father have helped her enormously in getting through this ordeal. You guys make a great team and family.
this is an absolutely amazing story. it’s so awful and shocking and heart-wrenching. but, in the end, to me it is mostly hopeful. i am so inspired by debbie’s ability to process and keep moving to show that it can be done. she is so strong.
her story has made me think carefully about my own challenges and look at them in a very different light. i appreciate her openness and honesty and wish her the best as she continues her journey.