You know how it is when you start a new activity or interest? You start to notice the topic coming up more and more. Maybe you see more reports about “it” on the news or you hear your friends talking about “it.” Sometimes it is a true increase in awareness about a particular topic but often times it’s you being more attuned to the topic. Well, that’s what’s been happening to me since I started the Fit4Love coaching program.
Just recently I was contacted by The Garter Brides about their book, Love for Grown-Ups: The Garter Brides’ Guide to Marrying for Life When You’ve Already Got a Life. The authors promise to show you how to take a fresh approach to dating, stay open to the promise of grown-up love and have fun – whether the next date is Mr. Right or Mr. What-Was-I-Thinking?
Curious? Want to know how how dating the second-time around is different? Here’s what The Garter Brides have to say:
Grown-Up dating is different from dating when you were in your twenties in a good way!
In Love For Grown-Ups we suggest things to consider before you embark on finding “Mr. Right” (And he’s out there!). Consider the things that are important to you, what makes you happy, what’s an absolute no-no. After interviewing countless women who re-married after the age of thirty-five, they all agreed that in their twenties they were looking for tall, dark and handsome, but as mature women they realized they needed something more substantial: character, consideration, respect for one another and a great sex life.
If you’re just getting back to dating after a divorce or tired of your dating patterns, take a look at yourself (and the list of questions we suggest you ask yourself in Love for Grown Ups) and then get back in there.
Getting out there may seem daunting, but it’s like bike riding. Dating is a talent that stays with you. Tell all your friends you’d like to meet someone. Your married friends are great resources since they seem to know who is divorced, widowed, looking, etc. Try on-line dating. If this is new to you, talk to your friends who have participated in internet dating. Take a look at some of the stories in Love for Grown-Ups or on our Facebook page for some tips and success stories about using the internet successfully.
Take a class, learn something you’ve always been interested in. Go to every event you’re asked to, watch the papers for art gallery openings, museum openings, and go alone. Yes, we know it’s hard (you can always leave if you find it unbearable) but a man is just as shy as you are and it’s easier to start a conversation with a woman who is standing alone than two women who are busy chatting to each other. Be open. You never know how or where you’re going to meet him.
If you are recently divorced and have children, dating may be difficult for them to accept.
It’s very important to keep their feelings a priority, but if it’s going to be an issue you should have a long heart to heart with them. We think it’s important not to put your life on hold and there are many ways of dealing with this, if you think they’ll have concerns. Some of our brides met their dates where they were spending the evening, such as a restaurant or movie theater. If you have a relationship with a new man that includes “overnights,” make them the nights the kids are visiting their other parent. All the Garter Brides we interviewed felt that overnights should only be introduced into a family relationship if you are seriously involved with your guy.
If you’ve had a bad experience, remember that time heals. Forget the bad times with guys and look forward to meeting someone new. Remember that when a man asks you out, he’s looking for exactly what you are. That’s why he called you. Relax, have fun and if this man isn’t right, the next one could be.
The Divorce Coach Says
I know my dating coach would agree that second-time around means you have a much better idea of the characteristics you’re looking for in a partner and she would also agree with telling all your friends you want to dating – networking isn’t just about career-building. I’m not sure I would agree with saying yes to everything to which you’re invited. Where I am now, I see no harm in being selective and doing what you would enjoy. I see little point in spending time, energy and money on an event that you really wouldn’t enjoy simply because you might meet someone.
However, I do like the advice about going to events solo. It hadn’t even occurred to me that being with a girlfriend may make you less approachable. (Yes, I know, I am pretty clueless about dating.) I have not been very good about going to events on my own. I’ll usually go if I’m assured of meeting other people I know but without that certainty, I’ll stay home or find something else to do. My little town usually has a monthly First Friday event involving an art walk and other entertainment – that sounds like a perfect event for me to go to alone and one where I can practice my flirting skills:)
The Garter Brides are Ann Blumenthal Jacobs, Patricia Ryan Lampl and Tish Rabe who were business colleagues and friends.
All had successful careers and were going on dates (approximately 9,000 of those by Pat alone, according to her), but none of them thought she’d get married. Six months later Nina got married. Six months after that, Ann got married. Six months after that, Pat got married. Nina said, “At my age you wear a garter, but you don’t throw it.” She slipped it off and gave it to Ann, who wore it at her wedding. Ann then gave it to Pat, who wore it at her wedding. They named themselves The Garter Brides and a new tradition was born!
Today, girlfriends ranging in age from thirty-eight to fifty-seven have worn this good-luck garter, and it has traveled – in a FedEx box – all over the United States and even to that city of newlywed bliss, Venice!
Photo Credit: Sebastien.barre