My current series is about Kristi from Divorce to Happiness. Kristi (@Divorcetohappy) has been divorced now for about 18 months, separated for three and a half years – long enough to gain some valuable perspective on her 18-year marriage. She says she spent many years ignoring her inner voice which was telling her the marriage wasn’t working. That isn’t uncommon and there are many things, both conscious and subconscious, that we allow to influence us. One of those things, is the support of our family. Without that, getting divorced can be a hard decision and that’s the situation Kristi was in. Here’s how Kristi describes it:
My parents to this day, I still don’t think they agree with it. They did not help me, they didn’t even know where we lived for six months after I left. They’re very devout Christians in their beliefs and divorce is just not something they believe in. They believe I should have stayed.
The day I moved out, my mom, dad and one of my sisters were supposed to come and help. I had two friends who were also going to help me. My parents called me the day before and told me they couldn’t help me move my kids out. Then, my sister called the next morning and said, “I can’t go against mom and dad’s wishes, so we’re not coming to help you.”
The day I left, I had one friend show up to move me and I called another one and he brought his mom and dad and his brother. They moved me. You figure out who your real friends are really, really quick.
I love my parents and I’m sure they love me but the relationship is strained. They will come and visit for a couple of days, if I ask and we’ll get together at holidays. Everybody will act like everything is hunky-dory and fine but there’s tension. I’ve spoken to them and I’ve written emails. They’re freaked out I’ve done my Divorce to Happiness website.
However, I learned a long time ago to quit trying to please them because it was never going to happen and I have to live my life. They did not live in that hell that I lived in and until you’ve gone through one day of that, you cannot tell somebody that they should stay. When you’re emotionally abused, nobody sees it but you. It goes through you, it goes right to the center of your brain and the center of your body. It might now show but it goes deep.
The Divorce Coach Says
I’m glad Kristi raised this topic because surprisingly not many of my interviewees have talked about parental or family support – that might be just a function of the questions I’ve been asking and the duration of the interview. I do think it’s sad that Kristi’s parents weren’t able to be more supportive and yet at the same time, I admire people who have strong convictions and are willing to stand by those convictions. I may be being idealistic but I’m encouraged that Kristi’s parents will still come and visit even if they can’t accept her divorce. I believe family ties are important – may be over time, Kristi’s parents will come to accept her decision and in the meantime, Kristi’s children deserve a relationship with their grandparents, no matter what happened to the marriage.
I think if you don’t have your parents’ support, deciding to leave a marriage is harder especially if you have a close knit family. My own family is small – at time of my divorce, it was just my dad and two siblings. (My dad has passed on now.) We live on three separate continents and have done for more than 20 years. While it was important to me to know that they cared, they weren’t going to offer any practical help like helping me move or even suggestions on child custody or asset division. My husband’s family is even smaller – just his brother who lives on the East coast. There are no awkward family get-togethers to contend with. Sometimes I wish we did have a bigger family but you know what they say … you don’t get to pick your family. It just is what it is and that’s a lesson in acceptance in itself.
What role has your family played in your divorce? Were they supportive? Understanding? Did they help you with practical advice? How about you’re in-laws? Do you still see them?
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My family did not support my first divorce (yep, been through it twice) and that was really hard for me. But really, it was a marriage that never should've happened. It was even harder because my soon-to-be ex moved in with one of my closest friends! Thankfully, I had another friend who knew it was the right decision for me, so I just clung to her for a while. The second time around, my family was just waiting for me to leave so they welcomed me with open arms. In fact, I moved back to LA to be close to them, and I'm really thankful for their support. But the first time, it was really hard not to have that.
Glad to hear your family was there for you second time around.
I am so fortunate that I have such supportive parents. Also, I kind of followed in my mom's footsteps (she left my father in a very similar situation to mine. That didn't matter to my Dad…he's been there for me all along. My mom, well, she was there. And, they both new from the very beginning (as I would call them with stories of frustration from very early on.)
You are fortunate, Pippi because it makes such a difference to know you have support.
My husband and I have been separated for nearly 2 years now and when the divorce finally does become a reality I'm certain to have no family support. My mom passed in 1996, my father has been disowned, and my only sibling is my older sister who is very sweet, but totally disconnected with life in gerneral.
I, we, my children and I, have been truly blessed umpteen times over for wonderful, caring, and loving friends who have come to be like family. Although not my parents, I am so grateful for the incredible support system that we have.
You can't choose your family but you can choose your friends so now I'm wondering if this means the support you get from your friends is stronger?
My family was very supportive of me. My dad helped me move- twice in 5 months.
Kristi has a lot to be proud of. She's done a great job "turning lemons into lemonade" 🙂
I remember you telling me about your dad helping you to move. You are very fortunate.
When my husband repudiated me and asked me to leave the house for the one he loved, my parents not only did not support me but blamed me. I haven't been "nice" with him so he had to find a new wife, Two years late, my father told me :" one never knows how a relalionship is going on so so Ican't blame him". It. is still very difficult, my parents are now 89 year old and I know they won't change their mind. Moreover my father told his doctor that his illnes got worse because of my divorce ! i knowledge i am not always very eager to take care of my parents whenever they call me to come as soon as possible because they need help. i have always felt that my parents liked better my ex than me.
I am sorry your parents weren't supportive you. It seems hypocritical of them to not accept your divorce and yet expect you to help take care of them. I would also be less than eager to run to help them. I hope you aren't feeling responsible for your father's illness?
hi iam in a similiar situatuion jusr like yours . My mom would tell me to stay in the marriage for the children sake but I didnt want to. So I got the divorce 2 years now iam divorced and i never told my parents about. My ex husband stays in the same house with me but downstairs so when my mom comes to visits she has no clue we have divorced.
Wow! You must have a good relationship with your ex for this arrangement to work. Are you planning on telling your mom? I would love to know more about your decision and how it works for you – would you be interested in an interview?
My family has just about disowned me..Some didn't speak to me, but did to my husband to tell him to fight against this and even to the church and elders.I have been raised with the church and high morals in my life . This person was like a mother growing up, so that was even a loss and feeling of betrayal I tried at this marriage for 12 yrs. I can't pretend any longer, he is a good guy. He is a good guy. Thing is I am also living under my parents roof right now..thats even harder!! They still call him. He and I are getting along, but extended family wants in the middle of everything.. That has been alot of our problem over the yrs. Money reasons, has kept to many connections with them. They have no idea our much i have beat myself up over this.I think thats the biggest thing, their not used to me or even him not doing what they think.. So what is that really teaching my boys..live for others.. To make matters worse, I really care for a long time friend of mine and my ex-husbands! He and I ignored these feelings for years, and they have never disappeared, only stronger as time as went by.. I feel like I have lost everything and everyone in my life!
Lucinda – it sounds like you're in a really tough situation. I'm sorry your family is judging you when you're grieving the loss of your marriage. Could you talk to any of them, explain how they're making you feel and ask why they are treating you that way. I get the sense that you know what you want to do and you will find a way to make that happen. It doesn't have to be overnight but slowly and surely you'll get there. Is there a way you could move out from your parents' home? Could you house sit for someone or maybe live somewhere in exchange for household keeping duties?
My parents first comments were “We are not taking sides”. Which doesn’t feel like support to me. Keeping the facade of a perfect marriage going and never disparaging my relationship or my husband has actually hindered me receiving any really support or loyalty from my family My exhusband went camping for ten days with my parents, whom he could not stand while we were married, however now has made it his goal.
I am in favor of parents and in-laws continuing their relationship with both parties in a divorce. I think this is especially beneficial in long marriages. However, I’m sorry to hear that you feel unsupported by your parents. Your ex’s desire for closeness to your parents now makes me suspicious. Is he acting out of genuine friendship or is he trying to manipulate them???
WOW, that is a shame and so sad. I hope things have improved since this post, Flytinc.
I am going through a similar situation now, my parents made me marry some one i didn’t like n now that i m getting separated al the blames are on me.. not only they are not supporting me they claim to everyone they are.. but all they do ti trying to avenge him n making life harder for me. yesterday at fathers day i tried to talk to my work on relationship again but only words he spoke to me were about divorce papers and about the complains he is about to make of my ex. They act so emotional n out of context that they nearly got me jailed with their stupidities and I nearly lost the case because they did not deliver the papers on time. I did not want this marriage as even during my engagement I knew there is a good chance of us getting separated however it was my mum that pushed me into it and now they are not making enough effort to help me get out of this marriage or even allow me to emotionally heal from this emotional wound. Worst thing is that I live with them and I have always been very dependant on them. I am only 21 years old.
@Young Scientist – you’re in a tough situation but it sounds like it’s time for you to take control of your life. If it’s your divorce, why are you letting your parents handle the paperwork? What would it take for you to move out?
wow young scientist I am in the same situation. My parents influenced my decision making on all of my relationships and I ended up marrying someone that I didnt truly love. I am now in the process of a divorce as well because he was abusive. It is hard because I am back home with my parents and they are totally against me with this whole divorce thing. Every day they would bad mouth me and say all evil against me because of my decision. Sometimes I get depressed because right now I can not move out because I have a house with my husband and my salary is tied up. I feel your pain though, but hold on be strong. We will both get through this.
This is uncanny. But am having the same situation. I married the guy my parents showed me and he seemed okay before marriage but after marriage I saw that he didn’t care. The worst guy anybody can marry is a person who is unaware of his issues. I wasn’t happy with him couldn’t even imagine having kids with such a guy. Every moment was a living hell with this guy. Suddenly being alone seemed wonderful.
Ofcourse, I returned to home and my parents were supportive initially but now after a month are forcing me to talk to his parents regularly and adjust to him. Its been four months only since we married and I can feel the societal pressure. I quit job for marriage, moved continents, left my life behind in India for a guy who didn’t give two hoots about me. Now my life seems like down in the dumps. Not only I have to handle my parents, but also his family and the society. Awesome!
Hey Im 27. Screw everyone. My life has just started. Its all about being strong right now. Its now or never for me. Am sticking to my guns, my inner spirit and trying to find hope in every day sometimes many moments in a day. Am lucky to have support from few close friends. It is true you do get to know whos your actual family and whos not in such times.
I am looking forward to putting this incident behind and moving on successfully in my life and be happy. With or without any guy. I know I will be as long as I have me. 🙂
For all those folks facing similar situation. Please listen to your heart and don’t you give up brave spirit. This too shall pass.
Kudos to you for trusting your own judgment and having the courage to end your marriage, and for sharing your story here. Given the strength you’ve already shown, I have no doubt that you will build a happy life for yourself.
I have been separated for almost a year now and my parents have never been supportive at all. They have only been rude and judgemental to me. Leaving my husband was something I spoke about for a number of years so this is not a new idea.
My parents are Christians and I guess following what they believe in but they are supporting others who have and are going through a divorce and have babies before marriage etc. All things that Christians frown upon.
My parents don’t call me to talk to our 4 children (ages 11, 9, 8, 5) they call my exhuaband. They send gifts via my exhuaband. I am concerned that when my kids make choices in life that they don’t agree with that they will hurt them just as much as they have hurt me.
My parents support my ex. They call him, send him stuff, visit him. I am just blown away at the lack of support any advice?
Wow! That’s really hurtful. I think with any family there is such an ingrained sense that we are connected, that somehow no matter what we should be together. It makes it difficult to accept the reality that we may have very little in common.
Have you talked to them about this? Told them how their behavior makes you feel? Could you work it so they didn’t have to choose between him and you and tell them they can maintain their friendship with him regardless?
I’m not sure you’ll ever know why or understand why your parents are behaving like this. My advice would be to ask yourself how important are they in your life separating this from their relationship with your ex – that will tell you how much energy to put into trying to reconcile and it will also guide you in what boundaries you want to draw to protect yourself from future hurtful behaviors.
I too have left my husband just two months ago. I am an only child with an only child who is 21 years of age. My parents have chosen my ex-husband over their only daughter. I know your hurt and trust me at this time of the year it stings a little. I feel for you and know the pain it causes. My ex’s parents are no longer living and I guess my parents think that he needs their support since I was the one who left him…well I’m here too. I never talked bad about my marriage to my parents and think that hurt me in the long run, however, my ex has a way to win you over. My daughter tells me all that he says about me to them and well its not very nice stuff. But still in yet they chose him. It hurts but woman are strong creatures and we shall survive. You truly find out who your friends are during the tough times of your life. I feel for you! I live your pain! I’m truly sorry.
I’m sorry to hear that you do not have any support from your family. It hurts, I know!
So sorry to read this. I hope your parents have gotten better, Wolfalisha. =)
The story sounds familiar. When we divorced everyone was surprised because we didn’t argue and fight in front of people. They had no idea what I had been putting up with. I kept my own council and did not betray my husband because that is what we are supposed to do, right? However, my ex had been going to MY family behind my back for some time (I suspect when he started cheating), trying to play them against me. (I have a sister who is very jealous so it made it easy for him to manipulate the situation.) When we divorced, my family was unsupportive because they didn’t understand why I would divorce him because he had spent so much time sucking up to them behind my back. They even gave him a pass on cheating on me! It was unbelievable. I am now not on speaking terms with my family and have not been for several years because of the things my ex has done. These “Christian” people have actually done things to cause damage to my situation. They knew I had a biblical right to divorce him but would still not support me. We have a child together and this forum is too short to list all the things he has done since the divorce to cause problems. I have since remarried though and am happy. My child is thriving. We have moved on with our lives and it is my family’s loss for not being a part of our lives.
HappyNowBabe – your story demonstrates how important it is to draw your boundaries and set your expectations for how you will and will not be treated. Our culture places a high value on family and it’s always a loss when we can’t have the relationship we would want with our blood relatives. Sounds like you’ve got your own family now. Well done!
HappyNowBabe
Do you struggle emotionally with the loss of your family? I am remarried also with 1 child with my husband (married 4 years). My family bad mouths my new husband. I haven’t spoke to mine for almost a year now. Your story is just like mine.
FormerGoldenChild – I sorry your family is not supporting you. With a culture that places as high a value on family as ours, it’s very difficult to come to terms with having to distance yourself. Yet, that is exactly what you have to do to preserve your marriage. Wishing you strength and courage ~
When I told my parents that i wanted to divorce they said they wouldn’t take sides either. But I feel that that’s not the case. They didn’t understand why. My husband and I never fought in front of people because we didn’t feel that was right. So no one understood we were having problem, and my husband was one of them, he is so blind by it all. How do you go about even having the courage to follow through with your divorce when you feel so much pressure from your parents to stay in a relationship, that the spark isn’t even there anymore, hurtful things were said and you know you would be happier not with that person.?? Please help!!
Dear J, this is a common problem when you keep your marital problems private. It’s a dilemma because I’m with you – I wouldn’t be open about all the problems either. Are your parents pressuring you to stay together? How certain are you of your decision. I would point you to my Is Divorce Right For Me audio program – there’s a number of tips in there for deciding if it’s time to end your marriage. Here’s the link: //mydivorcepal.com/teleseminars/5-ways-to-know-if-divorce-is-right-for-you-registration/
Also, if you’re interested I do offer a complimentary 30 minute consultation and would be happy to talk to you about this and give you a couple of suggestions. Please use the contact form to request this.
Best,
Mandy
My parents are very religious. They will disown me. My mom thinks he’s Gods giff to me. He told me he can make any parent love him. My mom tells me she loves him so much because she never met anyone that smart. He calls me fat and useless because he thinks women are only good for one thing. I am sick of the mental and emotional abuse. I will divorce him soon and have no family. It hurts so much.
I’m sorry that your parents aren’t more supportive of you. Do you have other family members or friends who will support you? Have you opened up to your parents about what’s going on?
I have 1 friend that I will be living with. I have told my parents that I am unhappy. They tell me I need to pray more. It’s so frustrating!
I’m glad you have a friend supporting you. Have you met with an attorney to discuss your legal situation? I do recommend taking your time before filing for divorce unless there is an urgent need to protect yourself but it’s always good to understand your legal rights and obligations.
Please let me know if I can help you.
Wishing you strength and courage,
Mandy
Hello, it sounds like we are in the same situation. My parents are not religious however. They really like my husband and have a very good relationship with him. They definitely don’t approve of a divorce. So I’m torn. I’m not sure how to put it to them.
More importantly, I would have no place to stay after that because my parents will most likely not take me in since they don’t support my decision in this.
Hello all I am 23 years old and have already been married for 4 years.
I went to see my parents to tell them that I am very
unhappy in my marriage and that my husband and I have had a virtually
sexless marriage the entire time. I told them that I
kept this a secret from them and kept up the facade for way too long. I
let them know that I married him out of desperation to find security and
safety. (I had some really serious family problems back then and had always wanted to get out of it.) I thought getting married to my husband would help. Simply put, I got married for the wrong reasons.
Anyway, instead of having my parents’ support, they told me to get over it. They know he loves me and was telling me that I should stay in my place and be loved by someone.
I don’t blame my parents for saying that, and it’s not that they aren’t open minded but having no support from them makes this really hard.
Because my parents have a very good relationship with my husband, they treat him like their own son. One very big problem for me now is that when I do get a divorce, I have no place to stay. I am living with my husband at his place now. It’s impossible for me to have my own apartment because I just don’t earn that much.
Now having no support from my parents, I’m thinking of the worse scenario. They might not take me in and I won’t have anywhere to go.
I’m desperate and really frustrated. I just have no idea what to do.
Please help me. Any advices are appreciated.
Alice
Hi all-
This post really resonates with me. I met my husband when I was 23…he was 30. I was a small town girl with big dreams and he was rico suave. We loved to party together, he liked nice things, he showed me a world that I had never been a part of. We married when I was 28…which according to my mom was long enough together to know better if I had doubts. I was on the verge of breaking up with him when he proposed and I was immature and a people pleaser and couldn’t say no. Then I grew up…we have different values, come from very different families…he’s like a unicorn to my very blue collar back woods family – he comes from a country club sort of life.
I grew as a person. My career unfolded into a very very successful one that wasn’t expected. I started traveling for work and becoming my own person. He grew resentful – which he now admits.
He was occasionally abusive – mostly emotionally – but at the same time we were great in public together. Great at socializing, going out, spending tons of money on extravagant dinners and bottle service. Life was good…minus the part that was missing…DEPTH.
I left last May. My parents refused to tell my extended family and I’ve kept this a secret for almost a year. He still wants to get back together and it is incredibly stressful dealing with it all. I explained to my mom that he had non-consensual sex with me while I was incapacitated, I explained he had punched holes in doors, and pushed me over tables…the response was if perhaps it was my fault for dressing “provocatively”…mind you I am in a very professional career that forces me to present myself in a respectable manner. I’m an only child and have no one else to turn to because my extended family isn’t “allowed” to know the circumstances due to fear of embarrassment.
All of this makes it very confusing to the point that I question my decision to leave. I wonder if it is easier to just turn around and go backwards.
In the meantime, to complicate the issue more. I am involved now with someone I’ve known for 3 years and I’m in love…as is he. He is incredibly patient and understanding of my situation – even when I’m forced to bring my husband to my family occasions as a front. He gets me…we laugh and are silly together. But this is all very unfair to him and I want to eventually – when the time is right – introduce him into my family. The concept of that is incredibly overwhelming as my mom has said that she will never accept anyone else into her life.
We have no kids, own no property, and yet I still feel backed into a corner and question if this is all in my head. Perhaps a quarter life crisis?
Any advice is welcome.
Hi Jen,
I can’t promise you that your mom will ever come round but you have to do what is right for you and not allow others to judge. There are only two people who truly know what was going on in your marriage and even then, you and your husband can have vastly different views.
I would take it step by step. Before you start planning when to introduce your new partner, you need to decide whether to divorce and then work through that.
This is the sort of work I do with my clients and I would be happy to talk to you about what that entails – please contact me for a free 30-minute consult : https://sincemydivorce.com/contact/
Wishing you strength and courage,
Mandy
Hi I am going through a divorce with my husband of 4 years. I moved out my apartment with my husband in January and been living with friends for time to time I recently moved with my father and just this morning he told me he will not support my getting a divorce. Mind you this man has literally almost taken my life and I am just torn that my father is sending me back to him. But he is forcing me to go be with my ex and idk what to do I moved up here with them to get help and I have my two kids. I have to find another place to stay and idk where or what to do.
Melani – I’m sorry your family is not being more supportive. Since you say your husband has almost taken your life, I would urge you to consult with your local domestic abuse organization. They will be able to connect you with available resources to assist you. Please do this, even if you are forced to return home temporarily.
There is also a national hotline you can call – 1-800-799-7233 – they’ll be able to connect you with your local organization.
Wishing you strength and courage ~ Mandy
I’ve been married for going on 19 years and probably have wanted to divorce for at least half of them, and never so much as I do now, at the ripe old age of 58. Never did because I let my Catholic mother and my very opinionated sister convince me I couldn’t and shouldn’t do it. My mother is now deceased, but my sister will still say to me after the latest failings of my husband, her pat answer is, “And he’s all yours!” which drives me insane. Wasted all these years with a man I cannot stand anymore, that sits in the house and does nothing…doesn’t work, doesn’t do anything around the house, gets angry at the drop of a hat, etc., calls me demeaning names, etc. Know my situation isn’t exactly what article is about, but needed to vent…thanks for letting me do so.
Crystalsw – I’m sorry you don’t have more support from your family. I wouldn’t look at the past as wasted years – you made the best decision you could at the time. Maybe now is a time to make a different decision? I’m happy to talk you in person about this – I offer a free 30-minute consult.
I am reading this and this is home from home I was married for 19 years probably the past ten where awful I was desperate to get out I really was but having a family from a Catholic background was the guilt , I have always been an honest kind loyal loving person , we are now separated nearly 15 months but my family are so unsupportive it is and has been the hardest thing I have done to date and at times feel so sad but if I stayed it would have been awful , I’m sad for you but you must live your life not through Catholic guilt
Thank you for sharing this Mary. I completely agree with you – you can’t keep doing something out of guilt. When you do that, you lose yourself and eventually that will impact your health.
I just filed for divorce after Thanksgiving when my wife left the state with my kids, and said she would not return. I begged her to come back, but she did not. My parents then proceeded to invite her and the kids over for Christmas before they asked me. It’s now 4 days before Christmas, and I’m so torn on what to do. It’s 14 hours away, by driving, I can’t afford a plane ticket at this point, and my eventually ex-wife has said that she will be at my parents house, because they invited her for 4 hours. There is no abuse present in our So….If I choose to do so, will have to split the 4 hours I’ve been allotted with the kids cousins, uncle & aunt, HER, and their grandparents. I feel like I’m living in some sort of fairy tale land, because my parents continuously tell me, we’re praying for you and HER, and we’re not going to pick sides. Drives me nutso…
Sorry for not seeing this sooner – what did you decide to do? Did you go to your parents?
How far away has your wife moved with the kids? I would suggest that you have a legal consult because most states have laws against one parent removing the children so the other parent no longer has access.
When my husband left me for the other woman, his now wife. My mother completely took his side…she even knew about the woman and encouraged him to continue. She chimed in the same sentiments as my husband “you weren’t good enough, your fault”. She even discouraged other family from helping me. I guess I deserved what happens once I wasn’t a good wife and mother. I was never close to my mother growing up. She is bi-polar and even though I didn’t know what is was at the time, it was hell.
I’ve learned that I can’t depend on anyone (family and friends included) I can only hope that someone will be there for me in times of need. But I don’t expect anything anymore. I’m not the weak woman I once was. I survived, scarred, but a survivor.
I wasn’t a good wife and if I deserved to be left then so be it. To have my mother (term used loosely) go along with it was devastating. It all still hurt like hell. Kudos to those who stand on their convictions. Gotta stand on something, even if it hurts others.