After divorce, seeing your ex with a new partner or date is a pivotal moment. It can stir up lots of emotions and you may even be jealous of your ex dating someone else and be confused by that:
He actually started dating someone who was another parent at our school and our children are friends. A lot of people want that to be a big drama but I noticed a change in his behavior towards me instantly. I didn’t want him back so all I could do was just say, “I’m really happy for you.” And I was happy for him. It actually made my life easier to just let it be and not make a stink over it. ~ Michelle
Michelle and her husband were married for sixteen years. Their two children were aged fourteen and twelve when the marriage ended. Aside from dealing with her emotions from seeing her ex with a new partner, Michelle also had to help her child cope with her feelings.
What The Divorce Coach Says
It’s only natural to experience some emotions when you see your ex with someone new. However, that feeling of jealousy or envy may not be about wanting to reconcile with your ex but rather about wanting to be in an intimate relationship. You may be feeling jealous of what you see your ex now enjoying. This is particularly true if you’re not dating or are frustrated with dating.
When you do hear the news your ex is dating someone new, don’t take your emotions on face value. Remember the reality of living with your ex. Remember the reasons why your marriage couldn’t be saved. Then ask yourself if it’s a committed, intimate relationship you’re truly missing?
Understanding this difference in your emotional reaction is the first step in accepting your ex’s new partner into your family circle and it could be a sign that you’re ready to start dating after divorce.
Gosh…I only wish my ex would move on. Might take some of his focus off me for a while. Good article though. Sharing!
There is that too!
I am going through this. My ex is dating and probably has been with this woman while we were still married and was trying to choose (this he denies). Up until I read this I was racking my brain trying to figure out my intense anger. I don’t even like the man he has become let alone want him as my husband, it is jealousy of the happiness he has that I so desperately want. I miss being a couple and having a companion. I have made a conscious decision to stay single until my son is grown and off to college (7 years) because I feel like bringing one more person in the picture will only make it worse. Martyr or good mother….
I’m glad this has helped you. And it is perfectly OK to decide not to date … when you’re ready, you’ll know.
I just found out my ex has someone new. I can barely breathe. It hurts so much. I am truely alone now. Family is across the country and no real close friends. I have been putting myself out there to make friends and no luck yet. How can he find someone when he barely has his stuff together and I have my priorities straight and i am still alone ??? Thx needed to get that off my chest.
Misty – anytime you need to get something off your chest, go ahead! Yes – discovering that your ex is dating can be a shock and hurtful. It often isn’t about wanting them back but more about wanting an intimate relationship. Remember, things are rarely what they appear to be from the outside and that applies to your ex’s current relationship. Focus on yourself, be true to yourself and you find someone who makes your heart sing. Don’t give up.
My ex left me, and is dating this guy.
The problem is I never did her any wrong.
I loved her and still do, even after 4 years apart.
It hurts me to see her say “love him” etc.. of a guy she barely met, and is only dating for a year now, while I’m totally cut off.
When I think of my marriage, it was very good.
So I dont even have a way to look back and say “I want intimacy, not her”. Truth is, I want her. 🙁
ProDigit – I’m sorry you’re still hurting from your breakup. Sounds like you need professional help. Can you search for divorce recovery programs in your location or work with a therapist or divorce coach on divorce recovery?
Well, my ex has moved on and I’m jealous because he found somebody very easily (through his work) and I’m left with nobody while he sails off into the sunset with somebody new. I don’t want him but I want ‘somebody’ and I want to get back pout there, and I put effort into trying to meet somebody new but it’s not working. The men I like are either married or not wanting a relationship. I never get flirted with or even just approached for a chat so how I am supposed to feel when my ex is so happy and I’ve been left behind, alone and unloved with no prospect of that ever changing as far as I can tell. I’m almost 50 so the odds for me finding a real and meaningful relationship are in steep decline. So of course, I feel jealous!!!
Harebell – two thoughts strike me about your comment. First – don’t assume all is well with your ex. What you see is the external presentation and that’s often very different from what is happening on the inside. You do need to focus on yourself now and I wouldn’t worry about being 50. Many, many people find committed relationships later in life. If you’re burned out on dating I would suggest that you consider working with a dating coach – try Sandy Weiner – Last First Date.
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. All of what you say is true and I will think on it. It does help to get an objective perspective from others. Thanks again. Merry Christmas too. x
I initiated it so I’m happy for her. I could date but I’m going to wait and work on myself and my career for 1 Year. I made a few mistakes in this process. Our official divorce final date is Feb 9th. I’m in no hurry whatsoever to jump right back in to a “ Committed” lol Relationship. If I keep it all together it will happen in time. It’s secondary on my list. Lots of opportunities the future is bright…