Going through divorce, it’s not uncommon to feel angry with your ex and it’s easy to recognize that’s what you’re feeling. What’s harder to recognize is being angry with yourself:
I had twenty-five years to get over. It took me a while to, not really stop being angry at my ex for what he had done but rather to get over being angry at myself for having allowed it. ~ Maryan
Maryan had been married for over twenty years when she and her husband divorced. Maryan waited five years after her divorce before she started dating, in part because she had a teenage daughter at home but mainly because she had no interest in men.
It is VERY easy to be angry with yourself, and to place an undue amount of blame on yourself. I was conditioned to accept blame growing up, and my relationship with my ex-husband reinforced that; it’s a type of brainwashing, and I’ve been working to overcome that.
To make matters more difficult, many people will say, “You have to take responsibility for your part in the failure of the relationship” or “It takes two to tango” or “No one is completely blameless.” That’s really difficult to hear when you’ve been in an abusive relationship, even more so when the person telling you this KNOWS you’ve been abused, because they’re essentially telling a victim to accept responsibility for the abuse they’ve endured, which is totally wrong.
I think one of the hardest things is to forgive yourself. If no one’s ever told you that it’s OK to make mistakes – and a lot of women are taught to be perfectionists – it’s that much harder. And as an adult, no one is going to teach you that; you’ve got to teach yourself. It’s an ongoing process.
Dear Erin,
Thank you for sharing this and for making the point about “taking responsibility for your part” – I tell people this and will need to be more careful with the words I choose. No one is responsible for how another person behaves and no one deserves to be beaten or verbally abused.
I’m wondering if it’s more helpful to talk in terms of looking at how you reacted to your partner’s behavior and how you can change that to protect yourself from abusive situations in the future?
That is how I look at it. I’ve simply learned to ignore people when they say I have to take responsibility, because it’s simply not relevant at this point – that’s been part of the learning process for me. I’ve had to learn to stop internalizing what others say, and to stop assuming blame.
What’s more important to me, now, is looking at my own behaviors, what they stem from, and how I can change them… because while I’m not to blame for his abuse, I allowed him to treat me like that. I bought into his fallacies and his brainwashing. I’m most interested in un-learning that enabling behavior, and in learning to love myself more, prioritize my own well-being, and identify abusive behaviors so I can prevent them (or leave).
Sounds like you absolutely on the right track. What resources are you using to help you? Any that you would recommend for others?
One of the best things I did was find a supportive online forum where I could get feedback and support from others who’ve been (or are currently going) through similar experiences. My regular support system (friends and family) were great, but none had ever divorced, so they didn’t really GET it, or offer the best advice. This objective community helped me to get a better view and understanding of my situation; it was also great to get almost immediate feedback/support when I was having a rough day. It was also this community that helped me recognize the abuse in my situation, which I didn’t see otherwise.
Through this online forum, I found a number of online resources with useful information, and I asked other members for their recommendations regarding reading material and the like. I also did a lot of independent online research. For me, knowledge is power, and the better I was able to understand my ex’s emotional shortcomings, the better I was able to understand my own, and begin to move past it. If I can understand the what and why of my behavior, the better prepared I am to change it.
You make a good point about spending time to understand your ex’s emotional shortcomings. This is something other people I’ve interviewed have found helpful such as when they know or suspect their ex has bi-polar, a personality disorder, PTSD and even depression and ADHD. It helps you understand that the behavior is not related to you … that you’re not the cause of the behavior and that I think helps with your own confidence and self-esteem.
When someone pointed out to me that his behavior was passive-aggressive narcissistic and emotionally abusive, I had to google it, because I didn’t even know what that MEANT. And the very first article I read was a game changer; it was a literal epiphany, and completely changed my understanding of the situation, and the role that I played.