Comments on: Storm clouds over the future after divorce

By: carolyn

carolyn — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 14:13:22 +0000

I guess I see it like this: them sacrificing for my happiness and for the kids to have a stable happy home when they are with me… it tips the scales so that my ex's sacrifice begins to balance out the trauma and pain he caused. I cannot forgive without reparations of some sort. I will feel like a fool if I forgive a person who seems unrepentant, you know?

By: SinceMyDivorce

SinceMyDivorce — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 23:50:15 +0000

For some reason, I've always thought of forgiveness as something you bestow on another person but now I'm thinking it's something that happens within you – an acceptance of what happened – does the other person even need to know? I like what you say about forgiving someone so you no longer feel depleted by them.

By: SinceMyDivorce

SinceMyDivorce — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 23:44:58 +0000

I agree in your case, that if your ex agreed to your moving, would be a major contribution to your new life and I can see where that would allow you to put the episode behind you. But does forgiveness mean treating someone as if the event never happened? I don't see how that is possible. Or does mean coming to an understanding of what lead them to behave that way and an acceptance of what they did?

By: Carolyn

Carolyn — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 19:32:29 +0000

The issue with my ex is that it's 25 miles further I want to move. I already loved to a town 35 miles away when I moved out, because this is the closest big town. So that 25 minutes makes it too far to commute often. But then again, it's too far now. We would have the same problem of him being a weekend dad once the kids are in school full time whether I live here or 25 miles south. I live one hour from their father now, and I'm looking at a town 40 min south of me. That may clear up the confusion.

By: Carolyn

Carolyn — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 12:41:34 +0000

The law here is that if a custodial parent plans to move further away from the other parent, he/she must inform the other parent in writing 60 days before, and that parent has 60 to object and bring the matter before the court. The court then decides what is in the child's best interest.

Forgiveness- I guess I imagine that if they made good, if they made sacrifices to make things easier for me to make up for what they did, that would allow me to feel like I was not a victim anymore. I would feel like I could put it behind me easier. If they facilitated my moving on, and I could then have a family with the man I love, then I would no longer feel like I lost so much. I would not feel so much like they have what was mine (a family with my husband and my children- that she took and now enjoys as her own). Forgiveness in this situation means I could move on and stop missing what I lost and stop hating them for taking it from me. Maybe that's naive. Maybe what they did is unforgiveable, or maybe real forgiveness is not conditional on making reparations. Anyway, it sure wouldn't hurt. And because of what they did- and because I have not forgiven them- I feel like they own it to me. It's the least they can do.

By: StudentMama

StudentMama — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 04:47:59 +0000

I think it's basically acceptance of what has happened and a desire to work, everyday, to not let that other persons past actions harm you further. I think if we wait on others to make grand gestures – we will be continually dissapointed and feel depleted by their presence. It's not easy, I still haven't done it! it was simply a thought from reading the post.

By: SinceMyDivorce

SinceMyDivorce — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 21:18:20 +0000

Hi Student Mama – you make an interesting point about forgiveness but what does forgiveness really mean? What would Carolyn forgiving her ex husband and her ex-girlfriend mean? Is it more a letting go by us, a commitment that we're no longer going to let a specific act or behavior bother us? I need to do some reading on forgiveness….

By: SinceMyDivorce

SinceMyDivorce — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 21:12:23 +0000

Hi Jen – thanks for visiting and sharing your perspective as child of divorce. I agree – 25 miles doesn't sound that far but it is an issue for child custody. If the parents are sharing 50/50 custody, then where the child goes to school is a major issue ranging from choice of school to transportation. If it was just a weekend issue then 25 miles is much more feasible.

Added your blog to my google reader and am looking forward to reading your posts.

By: StudentMama

StudentMama — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 20:21:18 +0000

I don't know what the laws are like there, however, I know here that you only have to inform your ex and the courts if you are moving more than 60 miles away. I think, also, one of the things that I have learned is forgiveness is for us. It's so hard when we are betrayed to understand how we can possibly forgive another person, but once we do – our lives can shift incredibly. We spend our lives wishing for others to change when it only takes us to make the grand gesture toward our freedom. = ) This is such a difficult story, I have been betrayed too and I still am not sure that I have fully forgiven.

By: Jen

Jen — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 13:42:41 +0000

Thanks for posting this. One of the hardest things about divorce is that even though you end your relationship with your ex as husband and wife, you still have a relationship to your children as parents so you are always connected in some way. This is never easy. I have watched both my parents struggle with this type of relationship during their divorce. Both my parents were not always present in my life when I needed them most because they couldn't get over their own issues. As a child of divorce, I can definitely speak to the importance of having both parents present. But moving 25 miles south doesn't seem so far to me. That could be an easy commute for your ex although he might see the kids less. It's never easy when the kids are involved. I hope you resolve your situation!