- Losing your husband to your best friend
- Learning to live alone after divorce
- Back to school after divorce
- Becoming your own best advocate after divorce
- Storm clouds over the future after divorce
- A lousy husband but a great dad
- When your best friend becomes your kids’ stepmom
- What does marriage mean after divorce?
If you follow me on my Facebook fan page or twitter (@sincemydivorce), you’ll know I’ve been away the last few days at Blissdom – a wonderful blogging conference in Nashville, Tennessee. I’ll be posting about what I learned there probably Wednesday this week and you’ll start see some changes to the blog in the week or so.
Before then, I want to finish up the Leap and the Net Will Appear series that features Carolyn. You’ll remember that Carolyn and her ex have two young children and share custody. That means although she and her ex are divorced, they are going to be tied by their children for quite some time to come. Carolyn sees that as a cloud looming over her future, even when everything else is falling into place. Here’s how she describes it.
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When I first moved out, I tried to move to New Mexico because my mother and good friend lived there. I thought moving there would help me get through the break up. I had never been alone before and I thought staying with my mother would make it much easier. My ex objected and so I took him to court. They said no. At the time, I was really upset but now I agree with the court’s decision.
I think it would be different if he was a deadbeat dad who didn’t want to see them all that much or was a bad influence on them, but he wants to see them, he loves them and they love him. So I understand why the court decided it was in their best interest for me to stay in the state.
Now, given how I’ve seen his relationship with the children develop, I wouldn’t go out of state even if I had the right simply because I didn’t have a dad and my children have a pretty good one. His interactions with them are really good and loving and I wouldn’t want to take that away from them.
My boyfriend and I are talking about getting married but it’s a big undertaking. He lives an hour south of me and that’s where his work is. But knowing my ex as I know him, I’m pretty sure he would take me to court to stop me from moving with the children. Even though the children would be gaining financial support, living in a house where they could each have their own bedroom, have better health insurance, I still think he would fight me and that makes me angry.
I really wish sometimes that my ex-husband and my ex-best friend would make some grand gesture towards making things right because I’m a very forgiving person. I could probably forgive them enough to have a pretty co-operative friendship with them as co-parents. But they’re not there and I’m not sure they ever will be.
Maybe, I never really knew them all that well because I feel the least they could do is relocate an hour south to facilitate me being able to have a stable, happy life after they completely derailed my life. If she can’t do that, I can’t ever forgive her and that’s really tough because she and I were so close.
I feel that if he really knew how much he hurt me and what he did to me, how could he begrudge me wanting to move 25 miles south so I could get remarried and have another shot at having a happy life? I don’t think he sees it all and I’m pretty sure I’m going to have to take him to court. The thought of that is stressful but I try to remind myself that there’s nothing I can do about it. All I can do is proceed and hope that the stars will align so everything will work out for the best somehow.
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What this story captures for me is that even though divorce ends a marriage, your parenting relationship with your ex continues and honestly, I’m not sure when it ends. I’m assuming certainly not until college over. If you have a special needs child, then it could be much, much longer. And what do you do when you want to relocate somewhere and your ex says no?
I’m a transplant from England – I’ve been here for over 20 years. When my ex and I got married, we never really talked objectively about the possibility of moving back to England. His mom was not well and I accepted that that tied us to the U.S. I also thought we’d just be able to figure it out as we went along. Now, I’m no longer married, I have no family here in the U.S. and the thought of moving back to England has crossed my mind – the two ladies I consider to be my closest friends in the world are there as well as my sister.
However, aside from the likely (and reasonable) objections from their dad, I can’t see my teenage kids wanting to uproot themselves from their schools now. Even when they do go to college, I don’t want to be living on a different continent to them – I keep saying to them, “Please don’t do to me what I did to my parents.” So on some days, I feel stuck here. Other days, maybe when I’m being more objective, I question how realistic I’m being about being able to adapt to life in England after so long away. For now, my master plan is beginning to look like, once I’m an empty nester, trying to manage my life so I could at least spend a couple of months there each year.
Carolyn’s has just to posted about the ‘deep breath‘ – the conversation she’s started to have with her ex about her possibly moving. Hope you’ll visit her blog and give her some support as that conversation progresses.
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Thanks for posting this. One of the hardest things about divorce is that even though you end your relationship with your ex as husband and wife, you still have a relationship to your children as parents so you are always connected in some way. This is never easy. I have watched both my parents struggle with this type of relationship during their divorce. Both my parents were not always present in my life when I needed them most because they couldn't get over their own issues. As a child of divorce, I can definitely speak to the importance of having both parents present. But moving 25 miles south doesn't seem so far to me. That could be an easy commute for your ex although he might see the kids less. It's never easy when the kids are involved. I hope you resolve your situation!
Hi Jen – thanks for visiting and sharing your perspective as child of divorce. I agree – 25 miles doesn't sound that far but it is an issue for child custody. If the parents are sharing 50/50 custody, then where the child goes to school is a major issue ranging from choice of school to transportation. If it was just a weekend issue then 25 miles is much more feasible.
Added your blog to my google reader and am looking forward to reading your posts.
The issue with my ex is that it's 25 miles further I want to move. I already loved to a town 35 miles away when I moved out, because this is the closest big town. So that 25 minutes makes it too far to commute often. But then again, it's too far now. We would have the same problem of him being a weekend dad once the kids are in school full time whether I live here or 25 miles south. I live one hour from their father now, and I'm looking at a town 40 min south of me. That may clear up the confusion.
I don't know what the laws are like there, however, I know here that you only have to inform your ex and the courts if you are moving more than 60 miles away. I think, also, one of the things that I have learned is forgiveness is for us. It's so hard when we are betrayed to understand how we can possibly forgive another person, but once we do – our lives can shift incredibly. We spend our lives wishing for others to change when it only takes us to make the grand gesture toward our freedom. = ) This is such a difficult story, I have been betrayed too and I still am not sure that I have fully forgiven.
Hi Student Mama – you make an interesting point about forgiveness but what does forgiveness really mean? What would Carolyn forgiving her ex husband and her ex-girlfriend mean? Is it more a letting go by us, a commitment that we're no longer going to let a specific act or behavior bother us? I need to do some reading on forgiveness….
I think it's basically acceptance of what has happened and a desire to work, everyday, to not let that other persons past actions harm you further. I think if we wait on others to make grand gestures – we will be continually dissapointed and feel depleted by their presence. It's not easy, I still haven't done it! it was simply a thought from reading the post.
For some reason, I've always thought of forgiveness as something you bestow on another person but now I'm thinking it's something that happens within you – an acceptance of what happened – does the other person even need to know? I like what you say about forgiving someone so you no longer feel depleted by them.
The law here is that if a custodial parent plans to move further away from the other parent, he/she must inform the other parent in writing 60 days before, and that parent has 60 to object and bring the matter before the court. The court then decides what is in the child's best interest.
Forgiveness- I guess I imagine that if they made good, if they made sacrifices to make things easier for me to make up for what they did, that would allow me to feel like I was not a victim anymore. I would feel like I could put it behind me easier. If they facilitated my moving on, and I could then have a family with the man I love, then I would no longer feel like I lost so much. I would not feel so much like they have what was mine (a family with my husband and my children- that she took and now enjoys as her own). Forgiveness in this situation means I could move on and stop missing what I lost and stop hating them for taking it from me. Maybe that's naive. Maybe what they did is unforgiveable, or maybe real forgiveness is not conditional on making reparations. Anyway, it sure wouldn't hurt. And because of what they did- and because I have not forgiven them- I feel like they own it to me. It's the least they can do.
I agree in your case, that if your ex agreed to your moving, would be a major contribution to your new life and I can see where that would allow you to put the episode behind you. But does forgiveness mean treating someone as if the event never happened? I don't see how that is possible. Or does mean coming to an understanding of what lead them to behave that way and an acceptance of what they did?
I guess I see it like this: them sacrificing for my happiness and for the kids to have a stable happy home when they are with me… it tips the scales so that my ex's sacrifice begins to balance out the trauma and pain he caused. I cannot forgive without reparations of some sort. I will feel like a fool if I forgive a person who seems unrepentant, you know?