Did you visit The Divorce Encouragist’s (@dvrcncouragist) blog ? In one of her recent posts, she shares that she’s Cultivating Capabilities and recently attended a training course on becoming a divorce coach. That will give you some idea of the possibilities DE started to see once she was out of her marriage.
Her marriage was a short one – just 20 months although she and her ex had been together for about five years. I know when my marriage ended, I was disappointed – I had always envisioned this long-term marriage with a partner for life so I asked DE if she was disappointed when her marriage ended. Here’s what she said…
I wasn’t disappointed. It’s funny because when I was in the marriage and I thought about leaving, I imagined it was going to be a disappointment. I thought it was going to be a disappointment for everybody. But it wasn’t.
My parents were divorced and when it happened, I hated the idea of it for the first few years. I thought I would never get divorced, even though my parents had a good divorce. I got a little bit older and I relaxed a little and thought, ‘Maybe I will get divorced. Who knows?’
I don’t know why I felt I couldn’t back out of the wedding. We didn’t have this big day planned, we didn’t have all these guests that would be disappointed. It was really that I felt I didn’t have a good excuse not to. It was the typical thing – he makes good money, we’re starting this business, it’s going to be successful, he doesn’t beat me … It was what I was supposed to do. I’d been living with him for so many years, there was just no good reason to say no at that point.
Then when I actually went through the divorce, I wasn’t disappointed in myself, I wasn’t disappointed in us. I was just very happy because I knew it was the healthiest thing for me in particular and really for both of us. We were both in the marriage and we were both unhappy. I knew it was best to end it and start over.
My parents were fine with it. My mom had just moved 500 miles away and I called her to tell her. She said,
“You’re stronger than I am, and if I can do it, I know you’ll be just fine.”
That really propelled me through the whole time. Even now, I look back and remember what mom said to me and means so much.
The message in this part of DE’s story for me, is the importance of listening to our inner voice and not doing things because they are expected of us. OK … there are times when I think it is important and correct to follow social expectations. Off the top of my head, I’m thinking that you should attend funeral services for friends and I believe in dress codes, for example. But I don’t believe people should get married because it seems like the next step or your parents were expecting you to.
That lesson also applies to marriage – why do we stay in relationships that aren’t working because we think that’s how marriage is? It also applies to life after divorce – it’s such a time of change and upheaval and even though it is difficult, it is a prime opportunity to create the life YOU want.
The second lesson in here is the importance of parental support – even when we’re fully grown adults, a few words of belief and encouragement from mom are so powerful. So moms, don’t wait for your child to have a crisis before you tell/show her you believe in her 🙂
I’m a Grown Up left a comment on yesterday’s post that she also fell into her marriage – she’s writing her story on her blog currently – I’ve only just started following her so I’m not sure how it all turns out. For the better I hope :0