The Wisdom of a Broken Heart (Susan Piver, Free Press, 2010) offers a productive and empowering strategy for handling the end of a love affair. Her basic premise is you have open your heart and mind to the pain you’re feeling before you can heal your heart and be ready for another romantic experience.
That seems counter-intuitive to me and is certainly not the approach I took when my heart was broken several times in my early 20′s. I don’t know if it seems so alien simply because as a young woman I thought I was strong and invincible, (ha, ha) whether it was the influence of the stiff upper-lip British culture (Com’on, get over it, plenty more fish in the sea, you need to toughen up) or whether is was coming of age in the 70′s when we were being told we could be superwomen (careerist, mother, wife). Regardless, what Susan says seems a much kinder, gentler, caring way to treat yourself and one that I can see would leave you open to experience true love again, possibly in a richer, deeper way.
Susan begins by advising you to start a Heartbreak Wisdom journal to “capture random insights” along your journey and to respond to the numerous writing prompts in the book. She also includes a chapter on meditation and some different meditation exercises at the end of some chapters.
Here are some quotes that spoke to me as I read the book. I think they’re a good guide to what the book is about.
“When your heart is broken, sadness begins to soften you whether you want it to or not…The world actually seems alive in a way it never had before.”
“… a broken heart is a dark night of the soul.” This comes from a 16th century poem by Saint John of the Cross that describes “the transformation that the soul goes through by enduring pain, abandonment, and suffering. On the other side of the pain is a greater understanding, insight and full maturity.”
“… you can give in to the Dark Night or try to resist it. It is not easy to give in, but it is necessary. … What you now consider emotional self-defense or protecting your heart … actually sets you back… And what may look like giving in …is actually what heals.”
“When you are filled with fear, anxiety, or other difficult emotions, the first thing you should always do is make friends with them.”
“Instead of trying to shout them down either by talking yourself out of what you’re feeling… making up a story about what it all means, … or collapsing on the couch with a bottle of gin…, invite in your feelings and get to know them.”
“In meditation, you simply stop struggling with yourself…You simply notice each thought with a nonjudgmental “thank you very much” and go back to the naturalness and honesty of the breath.”
“Faith begins to look like fearlessness. It looks a lot like genuine confidence.”
Thinking about fears, Susan says we’re scared of things we don’t know but that fear turns to calm when we become familiar with what it is we were afraid of but it takes an act of courage to consciously confront that fear. Is that why we push away the painful emotions of heartbreak? Susan recommends making a list of the fears that plague you such as, ‘I’ll never fall in love again – you only get’ or ‘I’ll never be able to trust another man.‘ She calls these your demons and identifying them is half the battle. “If you can observe an emotion or a state of mind, you have the possibility of dialoguing with it. If you can dialogue, you can come to an agreement.” It’s this process that enables you to emerge from heart break as a whole person possibly stronger than before.
All-in-all, this is an easy to read self-help book giving practical beneficial guidance. It’s written very much from a female perspective, with female experiences so although the advice would seem to apply equally to men, I’m not sure it would appeal. It’s been a while since I or any of my friends have been in this situation but being the optimist that I am, I’m keeping the book handy. Of course, my 17-year-old daughter may need it before me. She has always formed deep emotional attachments and parting from friends and cousins has often been very painful. When she does experience her first romantic heartbreak, I’m sure this book will help her.
